Because
by Lugian Before Swine
Summary: Drabbles/droubles for boosh shorts on LJ. Ch 1: Silliness with Bob Fossil. Howard/Vince if you squint. Ch 2: More silliness with Bob Fossil, plus Dixon Bainbridge, Man of Action! Ch 3: Pandas. Howard/Vince.
1. Because

**Written for challenge 16 at boosh_shorts on LJ, but for some reason I post everything here first.**

**I don't own the Boosh. You know, just in case you were under the impression that I did. I'm glad we're clear.**

"Moon!" Bob Fossil calls over the intercom. "Get your ass to my office! Pronto!"

Howard looks despairingly at Vince. Vince flashes him a cheeky smile, says, "Go get 'em, tiger," and continues sweeping out the pen.

Howard puts his broom down and walks to Fossil's office, head low, eyes averted. He enters, and Fossil is petting a stapler and humming pleasantly.

"Now, now, Miss," says Fossil to the stapler, "That's what Bobby calls racial discrimination."

Howard coughs.

Fossil's head snaps up. "Oh, hello Moon—" then he stops and looks around.

"…What?" Howard asks.

"Where's Noir?"

"You didn't ask for him, sir. You just called me," Howard tells him. He sighs. He didn't become a zookeeper to put up with this nonsense.

"HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU?!" Fossil roars. "When I call one of you, I want BOTH of you!"

Howard's face turns red. "We're not joined at the hip, sir. Are you aware of that?"

"Shut up and get your wife in here!"

Howard returns to the pen. Vince looks expectantly at him.

"He wants you in there, too," Howard tells him.

"Why?"

In a rare moment of humor, Howard says, "Because you're my wife."


	2. Better Luck Next Time

**A/N: This has nothing to do with the previous chapter. It's another submission for boosh_shorts on LJ.**

Bob Fossil has thought about this for a long time. Too long, some might say. Those same people might also say that he really was getting a bit creepy about this whole thing, and by a bit creepy, they meant really effing creepy. But Bob Fossil doesn't listen to these people, because they are arrogant pricks who don't understand him.

Finally, he decides on the gift. It's probably going to be a bit expensive, but if buying _him_ this gift is going to get Fossil the privilege he has wanted for so long, it'll be completely worth it.

He enters the office with some trepidation. The gift is in a bag he's holding.

Dixon Bainbridge, Man of Action, glares at him. With dignity and poise. "What?" he says.

"BACON!" Fossil shrieks because he's nervous. "Also, I got you a present." He sets the bag on the desk.

Bainbridge examines it, opens it, tears off the wrapping, and reveals a sculpture of a falcon made entirely out of cheese. He gasps. "You know, I'm quite partial to cheese…and falcons."

"I know," Fossil says excitedly. "Since you like it, can I…pet your moustache, sir?"

"Absolutely not!" Bainbridge cries.

Oh. Maybe next time.


	3. Panda Jealousy

The panda is watching him. It's glaring at him from behind the bars covering the window on the door, and Howard is trying to reassure it, but the panda is having none of it.

"It's not _her_," Howard tells the panda. The panda grunts angrily.

Howard is also creeping on Vince. Maybe creeping isn't the right term; more like _observing_. Yes, observing from a zoological standpoint.

Vince is having tea with the lady panda. Howard is watching the proceedings from the opposite side of the door. Vince says something. The lady panda seems to giggle. Howard feels nauseous.

Suddenly, the door swings open. Howard backtracks just in time to narrowly avoid being hit in the face, and Vince steps out, looking gleeful. "What're you doing here?" he asks, then he completely ignores his own question and says, "She's brilliant." He points to the lady panda behind the closed door.

"I'm sure she is," Howard says, looking downcast.

Vince is about to skip past, but he stops. "Howard…you're not…jealous?"

"What?" Howard says, blushing. "No, of course not."

Vince seems to think for a moment, then he leans up and kisses Howard on the mouth.

"Okay," Howard says. "Maybe a little jealous."


End file.
